In my element...

Home

2011-08-11T17:31:00.005-06:00

You can find this post over at www.4hundredand25.com. Come visit. I will be doing most of my posting there from now on. Looking for blogging buddies, so please make yourself known. Join and leave a comment and I will do the same for you! See you there! You can also find me at www.shesaidinherhead.blogspot.com but this one is a secret so shhhh.

A long time ago a friend once said to me that 'wherever you go, there you are'. I only partially understood that at the time but it always stayed with me and has kept me asking two questions of myself. Where am I? Who am I when I'm here?

I just spent the last 6 weeks in the small town I grew up in. This year it took me longer to settle in, mostly because the place had already taken on a life of its own before I got there ~ my sister and her family were halfway through their month long vacation and my brother had parked his fifth-wheel there for July. Add to this, husband and I bought the little house next door and we (ok, him more than we) worked for weeks to do/coordinate painting, flooring, repairs and some landscaping.

As a rule, when I go home, I go home alone. And I really like it that way! So it threw me a bit to find myself in the middle of so much activity with no place to chisel out the solitude I expect to have while I'm there. Eventually everyone went home, the house projects ended and perhaps not so surprisingly, I really missed them all when the house finally quieted.

Home for me is a place rich in layers. Not just in that it is where I grew up but more in who I find myself to be as I grow older. One evening last week as I was going for a walk, I decided on a detour through the graveyard. My great-uncle Sterling had been buried there just the day before at a grand old age of 94. He was my grandmother's brother from a family of 15 children. I attended the funeral and even though perhaps one shouldn't feel gratified at such an occasion, that is exactly how it was for me. A sense of enduring history and belonging to people whose DNA I have the markers of and carry around with me as I move in the world. I couldn't help but think of those who don't know who they are, don't know where they come from. Here, all around me, both the living and the dead were practically shouting in my head that this is my tribe, this is where I came from, this is an anchor when the world seems to set me adrift. And I do love to be set adrift. On this night, I enjoyed the long shadows and the setting sun as it lit names, dates and inscriptions. I stopped and talked with Art and Nanny and of course Rolls and Yvonne for a while. They were all giants in my life and remains so. I've learned that people don't have to be with you for you to feel them, to garner their courage and to make them proud.

Also when I'm home there is all of my own personal history. The child that doesn't want to take her feet out of the river, the girl that still wants the boy, the adult I never though I would become but grateful that I did. I always come face to face with who I was, who I am and the door of continual opening that can at times be hinged too tight. Foundational roots that grow through the shale at the river's edge. Just like the trees overtaking the riverbank, I see myself in all this beauty, some parts are evergreen while others change their colour, shrivel before falling to the ground and lose their leaves for a season. In yoga trees are a great metaphor for our yin and yang, the dichotomy of our inherent male and female energies. Shiva, our male aspect allows us to reach for the sky, growing out and upward while Suka, our female selves bring us back to the earth, growing us deeper and richer in experience. We need both to expand the walls of our desires.

I'm satisfied that I let go of a few things this summer, even though when the time came I still wasn't ready to leave. Someday I will be free of all that does not serve me. Then again, maybe I won't! Just as I feel myself gaining on the list, new challenges come into the rear-view mirror. Regardless, I once again shed my skin and will be content with that for now, knowing that wherever I go, I'm grateful for this journey and don't mind being just who I am.

2011-08-03T15:48:00.001-06:00

New poetry... over here. Come by for a visit.

Behaving Badly

2011-06-17T16:41:00.001-06:00

I've been acting badly this week. And now I'm in that sad, lonely aftermath of regret. Wishing that I was better at shutting up and not always so eager to tell those around me the way I see things and consequently why I am right. I'm quite accomplished at making speeches. It's never a good thing when you've grown tired of your own voice.

It's been a taxing last 5 days. Perhaps the busiest week of the year. I'm happy it is behind me now and if I can log 10 or 12 hours this weekend, I'll be in good shape for year end. It is almost laughable (and perhaps I will acutally laugh about it in July) at how bad I am at handling June stressors. I just hate that overwhelmed feeling of too much to do and not enough time to do it. I lose perspective and basically hand over a microphone to that voice inside my head that no one else, including me, should be listening to.

So for tonight I am taking some regrouping time. Going to work quietly in my classroom, sorting and grading. Looking for a little redemption.

Tomorrow is another day.

More Light, Less Shadows

2011-05-18T10:29:00.001-06:00

I've been blogging for a long time. About 7 years. My first blog I deleted in a fit of anger and insecurity. I regret that, it was a dumb thing to do but at least I learned a lesson from the impulsivity of doing so. I began this current blog, In My Element, 5 years ago just as we were making the move from Halifax to Remote Rural Town, Alberta.

Thinking back on that time, I really needed the change. In those moments I didn't know how to make the changes necessary on the inside without taking myself to a new physical landscape. And it was so good! I spent the first 6 months voraciously reading books by Marianne Williamson, Depak Chopra, Wayne Dyer and Eckart Tolle. While life will always ebb and flow, expand and contract; those days really set the stage for some incredible personal growth that has ultimately taught me to nurture myself and live more fully from my heart.

Today my heart is open. I want to invite people in to share in it. But I find my heart is not so open as to be completely fearless. This blog has been a sacred place for me. Not unlike rosary beads that I move through my hands, contemplating and praying for wisdom. I am however, ready for a new space in life with more light and less shadows to hide in.

In Celebration

2011-05-15T13:14:00.000-06:00

In celebration of my upcoming adventure I've started a new blog... Hope you will come by and take a look!

4 hundred and 25

Another Day for Happiness

2011-05-14T11:49:00.003-06:00

So despite yesterday not being my best day in a while... I did recover quickly and live to embrace another day. So what is making me happy today? This!

It might sound a little crazy but I've been dreaming of having chickens and collecting my own organic eggs. This one is designed for urban chicken cooping. How cool is that! I think I almost have Jeremy convinced to build it for me!

Live life in whatever direction makes you happy! Maybe we should all free range a little more!

PS ~ The photo will link you up with all you ever wanted to know about urban cooping!

Can a Good Down Dog Save Your Life?

2011-05-13T20:53:00.004-06:00

Living this far north (almost at the 60th parallel) one mixed blessing we have this time of year is daylight. Right now it is light until almost 11 o'clock at night. There are many things I LOVE about these long days. With all of those 'loves' aside, getting kids to bed at a reasonable hour becomes the impossible task.

Today I got to enjoy (sarcasm) a whole class full of children who had, by Wednesday of this week, already exceeded the functional limited of exhaustion. Now I am by nature an optimistic person. But even I could not stand in the face of such overwhelming circumstances.

I came home at the end of this day completely tapped out, nothing left to give. I laid on the couch for a while and watched two DVR'd episodes of Oprah, thinking the whole time that I hated her and I couldn't tolerate her success or her money or all of the eff'ing good she has done in the world. Most days I quite adore the woman. But today all I could see was the contrast of her world and mine. On one show she was giving people make-overs. If you could have seen me at the time, I'm sure you would have thought me worthy of a nomination.

Then I thought about how poorly I was handling my state of mind. Which just made me feel worse.

Truth is, there are times in life when we just feel low. We get thrown off balance unsuspectingly and find that our rebound muscle isn't flexing. For me, these circumstances are almost always born out of fatigue and overwhelment. In such moments it is easy to open the gates and allow a flood of negative memories and emotions to come rushing in. Much easier in fact than to do the thing that is best for us, and that is to stop the deluge in its tracks. The pity party dress is not so pretty.

So I turned off the TV and folded up the blanket I'd been hiding under. Reassured myself I'm not really fat. And went and found my yoga mat.

Sometimes you just have to reach in a better feeling direction. Sometimes turning the corner is all the work you really have to do, the rest just shows up.

The Cause of Unwanted Things

2011-05-07T12:04:00.003-06:00

I thought this was so very powerful! I trust the listening will also empower you.

Declarations (of sorts)

2011-04-22T10:19:00.003-06:00

Wow! I so feel like I have been on blogging hiatus and all the things I've left unsaid are suddenly needing to be free'd! I love the rush of it all moving through me in a free fall of sorts! There are a couple of things that have been pressing on me and drawing my attention.

1. To veg or not to veg? Lately the idea of becoming a vegetarian has been making strong inroads into my heart. I never imagined that I would even entertain the idea (mmm, the delicious smell of turkey) but I am definitely losing resonance with being a meat eater! For most of my life I suppose I ate quite unconsciously, not thinking about where my food came from or how it was processed. This is no longer the case. There is a large part of me that wants to settle into my house in the Maritimes, grow a garden and have a chicken coop for fresh free-range (non-corn fed) eggs. I am not declaring anything here, just an acknowledgement that every time I eat animal protein I have a sinking feeling inside. Knowing that what that animal suffered so I can eat a big juicy steak definitely takes away the juicy-ness!

2. Writing. I love to write. I love to wrap words up together and sling-shot them around the page. I fantasize about sitting in quiet places marrying thoughts and fonts together. Drinking gallons of Starbucks lattes. I love the feeling of characters taking shape in my heart, becoming so real they need to have a home of their own, laid down in foundations of black and white. Sometimes (most of the time) when I get into the zone, the words just fall on to the page in perfect order. Days later, I will go back and re-read, as though I am seeing it, feeling it for the first time and think "Damn! I wrote that! That came through me!". I've always wanted to be a writer. As a kid/teenager I would sit at the river and just write for hours at a time. I even had a pen name picked out but now I know I will just go with my own name: Angela Mitchell and own it and be proud of the expressions I put down on paper. In the coming year, I am going to write and write prolifically! Stay tuned!

3. Uncertainty is good! I'm not a person that needs everything to be the same all the time. That is, in fact, the exact opposite of who I am. I love not knowing what is around the corner, I want the unexpectedness of life. I want it to change on a dime. I want the joy of adapting and learning and growing. I want to take more risks, go further than I've ever gone before and trust that it is all going to be okay. Because it will be. Is there a worst case scenario? Is there a place that you can't come back from without at least having learned something valuable along the way?

Many blessings on your day and a little Sheryl for the journey.

PS ~ I've decided to give up sugar for the next two weeks (just getting a bit out of control). Heaven help us all in this household!

creative

2011-04-21T10:14:00.003-06:00

I had been feeling pretty tapped out for the last month or so. Putting all of the creative energy I could muster into school and my yoga classes. (BTW, yoga... incredible! Makes my heart sing to share it with others.) So needless to say, the blog has suffered. BUT, as all things in life are temporary, I am happy to report that after just a few days of down time (currently on Easter break) I once again seem to be teeming with inspiration.

This week feels like a glimpse into what will be possible for next year. I am both excited and grateful. I used to get very worried when I felt cut off creatively. Now I realize it is a matter of letting go, getting out of the way and it miraculously returns every time. Ideas do not need to be relentlessly pursued, they need to flow. I know that when I am tapped out, I have in effect erected a dam that is holding it all away from me on the other side. The good news, it is still all there waiting for me!

Also, of late I've been very into the Teachings of Abraham. Below is a sampling. If this wets your appetite for more, search YouTube as there are lots of videos there to help enlarge your understanding.

100 Words

2011-04-20T22:37:00.003-06:00

I was driving today.
Alone, thinking the road could never be long enough
to let all my thoughts find wings.
Music loud but not enough to drown me out.
Joyfully letting my heart be occupied,
making lists of all it is drawing out of the aether.

Blue Rodeo sang Bad Timing.
I thought of you. And smiled. Is this what we are?
Across all of these imaginary miles, are we coming together
or getting further apart?
Will our bodies ever meet our minds?

It is all there. Riding particles that ebb and flow.
Moving streams of rocketing desire and destiny.

no ordinary day

2011-04-13T20:12:00.001-06:00

something wonderful today happened. to me. i received, in the mail, official approval for next year's sabbatical leave!

and I don't really know what I'm going to do yet. but for sure I am going to fill it up with beauty. photography, writing, painting, reading, walking, yoga, breathing. going to jam pack it up with these wonderful things.

perhaps I shall never come back. i know i shall never be the same.

Always A Woman

2011-04-09T19:10:00.000-06:00

I was thinking just how much this reflects my mood today.

emerging

2011-04-05T10:24:00.002-06:00

i keep taking these deep breathes and holding them in my chest for a bit just to savour them. my awareness of the air around me has changed. i can feel things riding, floating, finding their way to me. it is quite effortless apart from my observation of the invisible.

amazingly i have managed to turn myself right-side out. as though all my internal twisting and morphing and knotted thinking has come to a conclusion of this particular phase. the reflection is different even though the body from everyone else's eyes still looks more or less the same.

for such a long time it was about letting go. letting go of all the things that no longer serve me. i have succeeded. the allowing is to begin. to open up to the parts that do serve me. that rocket me along into the fullness of living. we are here for joy. for understanding. for courage to find ourselves among the stories being played out by the lives through whom we embed ourselves.

Ingrid Michaelson - Everybody

2011-03-29T21:24:00.000-06:00

I Won't Let Myself Get in the Way

2011-03-21T22:35:00.004-06:00

Loving this song by Georgia Murray. Enjoy!

Opening to Grace

2011-03-18T13:03:00.002-06:00

Every week I've been striving for a different focus in my Sunday night yoga session. Of all the yoga classes and teachers I have had, the one that impacted me the most always set an intention for the work we would do in that hour. This resonated with me right away. Not only was I able to bring more ease to the practice but also became more open to surrendering myself spiritually to the poses.

This week we'll focus on opening ourselves up to grace.

There is something intuitively powerful about the word grace. It holds within it an intrinsic beauty of expansion. When we extend grace to ourselves, we cannot keep it from others. We can find grace within and we can also channel it from beyond ourselves.  Accepting grace is an act of surrender to a benevolent source that seeks to watch all things grow and develop into what the cosmic orchestra has ordained for them to be.

Grace can catch us unaware. We feel it when we share in the joy and pain of another. It washes over us and cleanses as it moves. Grace is like a benediction. A prayer for peace. For mercy. For forgiveness.   It is a call to compassion and charity. Grace abounds.   It is limitless, a cup that over-flows.

So today, give thanks for all that has been so richly bestowed upon you. Allow and accept the generosity of all that is graceful to be yours.  Abide in grace.

Aspiring

2011-03-17T20:25:00.003-06:00

I'm pondering tonight. There is so much shit going on in the world. And here I sit in the comfort and peace of my living room a million miles away from dictators, civil war, thwarted human rights, earthquakes, tsunami aftermath and the threat of nuclear reactor melt-down. It would seem the Chinese curse of "may you live in interesting times" couldn't be more applicable.

Last night I watched the documentary Force of Nature/ David Suzuki. I was moved to tears several times by this biography of such a thoughtful, intelligent, perceptive, humble man. Suzuki oozes passion for the love of this planet. We all know him as an environmentalist, but this doc brings you into his personal space, the events that have forged this exceptional human being.

An interesting tie into current events is that Suzuki is a second generation Japanese Canadian. Both he and his parents were born on Canadian soil in Vancouver. This however did not insulate them from an onslaught of racism following the bombing of Pearl Harbour. Anti-Japanese sentiment was at an all time high. Suzuki's grandparents were returned by ship to Hiroshima while the remaining family members (along with many other Japanese-Canadian citizens living in the lower mainland of Canada's west coast) were sent to the Slocan Valley in British Columbia. Not long after, Hiroshima was the casualty of the world's first nuclear bomb attack.

Here is a clip I love of Suzuki in 1972. Long before he became a leading environmentalist, he had some pretty astute observations on what it means to be human.

Sad

2011-03-13T13:23:00.000-06:00

I find myself in a deep funk that I can't shake off. And instead of feeling like I'm at the bottom of it about to make a turn-around... there still seems to be plenty of shifting ground under my feet. Today is one of the darkest days I have experienced in quite some time. It's like a cloud of oppression is sitting on top of me and every time I try to move or do something it bears down a little stronger. Suffocating.

All I know for sure is that there is a lesson for me here. For some reason this is what I need to experience, witness. So instead of ignoring it or begging it to leave me alone, I'm inviting it in. Asking it to sit with me. Feel it in every aching part of my body. So far it seems intent of communing in the middle of the night. And well, if that's what it wants, then that is what I am going to give to it.

Although this little episode may appear to be masking as depression, I really don't think that is who or what this is. It's just a part of me that needs some attention. That can learn to let the dishes fill the sink and the bed go unmade. And listen with a bit more sensitivity for this part of the journey.

And again.

2011-03-12T18:20:00.003-07:00

Some days I am a domestic goddess.
Other days I fail miserably.
But none-the-less, I keep trying.

Opening the Heart Chakra

2011-02-27T16:21:00.004-07:00

For the yogi, everything is yoga. Yoga is life. I think this becomes the normal way of thinking for the person who sees themselves as a yogi. Yoga is no longer a series of poses or asanas but rather a way of living your life. The ideals of enlightenment become your approach to the circumstances you encounter.

Tonight, in my first class as an instructor, our lesson will focus on opening up the Heart chakra. The Heart represents the fourth of the seven body chakras. It is the balancing point, a fulcrum of sorts, between the the material world and our inner/spiritual world. It is a bridge that connects our survival instincts to our ideals of knowing who we truly are and finding our purpose for living. It is in this chakra that we begin to connect to peace and seek harmony in our lives.

The Sanskrit word for the Heart is Anahata. In its literal translation it means unstruck or unhurt. So, despite the fact that we all suffer and endure personal pain, the heart still has this immeasurable capacity for love. Sometimes out of unconscious self-preservation we try to shut this chakra down, which only serves to create more suffering because the true nature of the heart is to love.

The element associated with the Heart chakra is Air. I find this so sublime because love like air wants to fill up all of the spaces inside of us. It will take on the shape of its vessel and at the same time cannot be contained. Through breathing (pranayama) the Heart is strengthened and toned. But one must bring a deliberateness to the act of breathing. It must be deep and you should mediate from time to time on the beauty and significance of this chakra.

In yogic practice, the Heart is considered to be feminine. The feminine in all of us yearns to release and let go of the temporal aches and pains and disappointments in this life. The very act of breathing can enable this release to take place, to massage our hearts and enlarge our ability to love not only others but also ourselves.

Set aside a few moments to shut out the world. Bring your hands together in prayer position. You will find that your thumbs fit nicely against your sternum. Bow your head to your heart and begin to breathe steadily and easy. Deepen as you go. Feel the inhalation and exhalation in your belly. Pay attention to the beating rhythm, you will soon begin to feel it throughout your entire body. Give thanks to your Heart for its continued work, you really do owe it your life.

Namaste.

Quantum Leaps

2011-02-14T10:57:00.002-07:00

Okay, maybe not quantum but I have taken a leap. Leaps are good. In some form or another a leap propels you forward, albeit at times down (occasionally gaining speed as you splat against the concrete). Leaps are wearing your heart on your sleeve. Leaps mean you are willing to risk public embarrassment. Leaps also mean you are open to the possibility of soaring as you spread your wings and take a chance. Leaps do your heart good, regardless of the outcome.

And what you ask am I leaping around about? Yoga. I've decided to instruct my first yoga class!

Oh don't you worry, I've already mentally gone through all of the reasons that I shouldn't do this, reminded myself of all the ways that I am not qualified. But, in the end, I've decided to risk it and do it anyway. Failure to launch fears be damned. And to be completely honest, those voices of opposition have been pretty small in proportion to the expanding part of me that WANTS to be a yoga teacher.

Practicing yoga has been and continues to be a force in my life that has opened me up. Gotten me in touch with something deeper. Something connected to everything else. I suppose in a way it is for me the theory of everything. The place where it all comes together and yet infinitely expands at the same time. Amazing how so much can happened on one small 2 x 6 foot plot of real estate that can appears to the onlooker as slow and static. Yet there I stand in Warrior, slaying my demons one conscious breath at a time.

With my whole heart, I believe that life rewards action. The parable of reaping what we sow is as relevant as it has ever been. I once read about a Zen master who looked on the mind as a garden. The soil already contains the seeds of all that life can possibly offer ~ the good, the bad and the neutral. It is up to each person to cultivate and care for their garden ~ this is in essence the responsibility of your life. Your emotions are the catalyst to growth and development. How you respond to your world is how your garden grows.

Don't spend your time worrying about the weeds. Tend them daily. Don't spend too much time gazing at someone else's garden and wishing it were your own.

Nurture the qualities you desire to bloom within yourself. Do it by design. Lead with your heart. And take a leap with your soul every now and again.

2011-02-12T23:48:00.000-07:00

It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. Thoreau

Go Boldly

2011-02-06T11:42:00.001-07:00

The benefit of time is that it allows us to experience and experiment with the facets life has in its learning library. If you pay attention you can draw conclusions for yourself that at first might not seem obvious. But the key is that you must stay mindful. You must bring body-mind-spirit attention to the nuances that are playing out in, through and around you.

Try thinking of your lifetime as an opportunity to interact and be the instigator of an array of ideas and ventures. When you take on this paradigm the world opens up wide to the desires of your heart. In essence you cannot fail. You'll become a data interpreter for your own unique existence! There are things that will work and things that won't work out so well. This is not to say that you throw common sense to the wind, you will still want to pursue life with your intelligence acting as a compass, but you will tune out more of the herd noise and seek life on your own terms.

For me, detachment has probably been the most important skill that I have been learning in this lifetime. I can see how moving into mastery of this is helping me to pursue new directions. Detachment doesn't mean you don't care but instead that you are not married to the outcome of any particular event. You can just let life move and happen without having to have it a certain way, remembering that every decision you make moves the compass hand of experience.

Your beliefs about yourself are also powerfully important. Allow your beliefs to change. See yourself as a positive force in the world. Seek to better everything you touch. Think outside the box. Although everything that is within your possession is in some way a manifestation and reflection of you, dare to change the rules! Refuse to let the things that support your comfort dictate the principles by which you live. Life is a dynamic process, your thoughts from 20 years ago shouldn't necessarily be what you are building your life around today. Growth means change, which means allowing what you've learned to become a part of the unfolding.

Namaste.

Thought to Action

2011-02-05T10:09:00.002-07:00

It is not enough to just think that you want something. You must want it enough that it moves you to action toward its attainment. If you cannot bring yourself to physically move in the direction of what it is you think you want, you really need to re-evaluate how you see that particular circumstance manifesting in your life.

We can see another's lack of discipline so easily. We roll our eyes when they say that are going to do a particular thing. We don't believe that they will be able to carry through to the place where commitment finally leads to success. Why? Because they have not outwardly flexed their muscle of perseverance. When the chips are down, so are they. Is this where you see yourself?

Everything you take on and have goals around succeeding at is going to require work. It is true that all tangible things are birthed in thought but until those seeds meet the refining fire of discipline and determination there can be no expectation of change. Natural talent has its reward but in some cases serves only to make the talented lazy ~ not willing to move beyond what has always come easy.

Beyond anything else, discipline can change your life. We all dream. We can all imagine utopia. We all have passion. If you want people to take you seriously ... stop taking about it and start doing it.

In Memory 1997 - 2011

2011-01-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

This is the me and the Princess Ryber Sophie. She was a good dog and we got to love her for more than 13 years. Yesterday we laid her to rest deep in the forest, in a special box we made just for her. The house is quieter than it should be. And my heart is broken.

Teaching

2011-01-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

In my whole life I have never done anything as special as being a teacher. It is hard work, often messy and always never ending. But there is just something so heart-rendering about these connections I get to forge with kids. They make me laugh joyously and at times, cry without restraint.

Today I had to send a bunch of students to the inside room for not completing their homework. Two of them came back afterwards and gave me very sincere apologies for not doing what they should have done. And I realized that those words came out of a combination of relationship and respect. When school works, its foundation is relationship and respect. It works because these two things do not flow out of a system dictated from the top down but rather something very special that grows from the bottom up. We teachers live for moments such as these as they validate all the other moments of the hard, the messy and the never ending.

2011-01-22T23:05:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you figure out before it is too late that the someone you thought you wanted, you don't. And after that you must go on rejoicing! Because the universe has given you new eyes through which to see the world.

Think

2011-01-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

"It's what you attach yourself to that pulls your cart." George Breed

Equal and Opposite Force

2011-01-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

Today I had a small epiphany while teaching science (bridge structure).

Life can basically be summed up as the balancing of opposing forces such as tension and compression. Each is the corrolary to the other. It is a very dynamic aspect of life that holds everything in its perfect place. And keeps us from becoming complacent.

The World Through New Eyes

2011-01-16T11:46:00.003-07:00

Can you love without possession?

Over coffee this morning I was recapping to Jeremy on the book "The Alchemist". I've read this book many times. On the surface it is about a boy on a journey to find his destiny (a treasure at the base of the pyramids in Egypt). During his travels across the desert the caravan he is with stops at an oasis. Here he meets a girl and falls in love with her and considers giving up his pursuit of destiny to be with her.

"I came to tell you just one thing" the boy said. "I want you to be my wife. I love you." .... "I'm a desert woman and I'm proud of that. I want my husband to wander as free as the wind that shapes the dunes. And, if I have to I will accept the fact that he has become a part of the clouds, and the animals and the water of the desert."

As much as their love was mutual, she did not wish for him to give up on the pursuit of his destiny. In fact, it was the ardent pursuit of his dreams that had drawn her to him. Soon after this he leaves the oasis and continues to travel to the pyramids, the Alchemist accompanying him as a teacher and guide. They encounter many dangers along the way, to which the boy comments on how his beginner's luck seems to have run out. To which the Alchemist says:

"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we move toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up."

This book has many lessons, most metaphorical, that can be applied to every readers life, regardless of where you see yourself along the journey. What has resonated with me this time through is the idea of love without boundaries. Can I love and be loved so unselfishly as to not hinder you from the pursuit of your journey? Can I love and be loved so fearlessly, that no matter how dangerous or far reaching our journeys are calling, I can go and let you go, for both of our great good? Can I love you just because I love you? And know that our bond is not a boundary but rather the very thing that makes us a part of the others dream, our connection to the very Soul of the World, where everything is written by the same hand.

Freelancing

2011-01-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

There are lots of people out there doing great things. Things that can make the rest of us a little jealous ~ either at their creativity of ideas or their ballsyness to actually pursue their ideas and aspirations. And certainly at the success and smile they can't keep off their face.

Look to them for inspiration. But write your own story.

Innate Knowledge

2011-01-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

"Your inner guidance knows exactly what your heart’s desire is. When you open your mouth and remove the brakes—and get the judge out of your head for a minute—your inner guidance will come up with the right answers." Christiane Northrup, M.D.

Conjunctions

2011-01-03T15:08:00.002-07:00

Everywhere I turn, people are setting goals and extolling their resolutions. Astrologically, today (Jan 3) due to Jupiter and Uranus being in a triple conjunction (true I don't really know what any of that means), it is apparently the best day of the year to set out the goals you desire to accomplish in 2011.

I don't really have goals for this year yet. Ideas, yes. Goals in and of themselves, No.

This past week I've had several premonitions and just before drifting off to sleep Thursday past, I was given some words that came to me so strongly I had to get out of bed and write them down. Maybe these are just fanciful things, my active imagination ~ oh I do hope so! As one of many things I wish to cultivate is my fanciful imagination. And I suppose when it gets down to brass tacks, I want to explore this through writing and creativity of some sort or another.

As I move into this year, my eyes and my heart are open. I'm determined to not be afraid but to pursue the very things that make me question whether or not I can! Because I know I can, even if it feels uncomfortable for the first bit. Last August when I went to see an Intuitive, she told me a part of me was hiding in the shadows and that it is time to free her. I've been thinking about this blonde haired, blue eyed girl that stares at the floor, her hands tangled in a shimmery satin ivory dress. One of my quests is to help her come join the party that's happening just around the corner. It constricts my chest a little bit, makes me feel like I'm talking myself down off a ledge where she is concerned. Perhaps what we all fear most is the challenge to make the most of ourselves. What else is there in this life?

I am confident that my life's experience is unfolding as it is intended for me. I was born under a special cosmic sky and there are bridges to be crossed and crosses to bear. There is also beauty and joy to enter into, to be soaked up like sun and rain in equal measures. I want to receive all it has to offer with graciousness and gratitude.

Twenty-Eleven

2011-01-01T15:05:00.000-07:00

My Life Path number in Numerology is 11. So given that today is 1/1/11, I'm already feeling like I'm ahead of the game. :D My expectations are high and I'm not going to waiver from these convictions!

I have no resolutions to offer you today. The only thing you will find here is my joy, optimism and determination to love my life through its myriad of peaks and valleys.

Happy New Year my friends. Thank you for the many times you have stopped this way along your travels. Continued blessings on your journey through 2011.

Passengers and Drivers

2010-12-22T12:14:00.002-07:00

"On the road of life there are passengers and there are drivers."

I'm sure that was a car commercial once upon a time. But it's true. There are those that actively seek, crave even, the open road. Always searching for the next best thing.   Then, there are those who don't mind being chauffeured around, are okay with others being at the helm, directing the ship.

Each seat comes with its own challenges and rewards. Driving all the time is tiring. Sometimes we drive too fast, exceeding the limit ~ for which we pay the price. We get ahead of ourselves thinking we know exactly where we are going when in fact we do not. So we take wrong exits and waste time trying to u-turn on side streets hoping they will get us back on the highway and en route to our desired location. There are a lot of distractions in this seat. We fiddle with the radio, watch for other drivers, listen for our cell phone to ring. But ultimately our reward is that we are in control of our destination!

The passengers seat gives us time. We can be thorough with the map, anticipate what may lie ahead. Direct the driver. When a song comes on we don't like, there is the luxury of fiddling with the frequency without the worry of putting the car in the ditch. We can talk and text to our heart's content. If we get bored we can read a book or recline the seat and take a nap. But, our ultimate punishment here is that we are not in control of our destination!

For a long time in my life I had an unexplored need to be in the driver's seat. Had you asked me 10 years ago, I doubt I could have sincerely come up with a single positive about being a passenger!   But that is the advantage of age. It mellows you. For me, I want less to see the world through speed and the illusion of control and more through a long walk that ends with a really good fair trade coffee with a friend.

So think about this analogy as the new year approaches... are you a driver or a passenger? Can you appreciate both? Can you recognize the times you feel pigeoned into a particular role? How do you handle that? Does your heart beat with glee or does your chest constrict in anxiety?

There is no inherent evil in either role. Balance dictates that we see the good in both. Is your family dynamic such that you always drive while your significant other watches the sights go by?   Would it feel uncomfortable if your spouse took the helm while you read the map for a bit? If so, this may be exactly what you need!

How many ways outside of your car are these roles in play? Are you making all the decisions? Can you trust someone else enough to give up control?  Do you have the courage to step up or down while another takes your place?

Remember, we are all on the road of life together. So drive with that in mind.   And watch for the signs that are not posted but appear larger than you would have first believed just looking through the read-view mirror.

Life is Good

2010-12-18T09:22:00.001-07:00

When I started this school year it felt like it was going to crawl by at a snail's pace. Somewhere about mid October the pace quickened and it hasn't let up since! This past week was so busy that I have almost no recollection of it happening! Now it's Saturday and I'm on my first official day of break! Wow!

I generally find September to December the longest part of the school year. We have several breaks that help to punctuate the time from January until June, plus the added benefit of lengthening days and the promise of summer. This is the first year I can recall not feeling beat up by December! Despite the darkness (sunrise yesterday was at 9:35 and sunset was at 3:55) I've remained incredibly upbeat and full of energy. I've barely noticed the shortened days. This year is in such contrast to last year but I guess that is the ying and yang of life.

Hard to believe that in six months I will be at the end of teaching for a bit and at the beginning of something new again. I'm not sure if it is good or bad that I've not had much time to think about it. Probably good! All I know is that life is worth the journey no matter the form it takes.

Everyone will go on celebrating the old

birthday, counting the years as usual

but I will count myself new from this

inception, this imprint of my own desire.

The second half of my life will be wide-eyed,

fingers shifting through fine sands,

arms loose at my sides, wandering feet.

from the poem Crossroads by Joyce Sutphen

Crossroads

2010-12-17T17:42:00.001-07:00

Crossroads

The second half of my life will be black
to the white rind of the old and fading moon.

The second half of my life will be water
over the cracked floor of these desert years.

I will land on my feet this time,
knowing at least two languages and who
my friends are.

I will dress for the occasion, and

my hair shall be whatever color I please.

Everyone will go on celebrating the old
birthday, counting the years as usual,
but I will count myself new from this
inception, this imprint of my own desire.

The second half of my life will be swift,
past leaning fenceposts, a gravel shoulder,
asphalt tickets, the beckon of open road.

The second half of my life will be wide-eyed,
fingers shifting through fine sands,
arms loose at my sides, wandering feet.

There will be new dreams every night,
and the drapes will never be closed.
I will toss my string of keys into a deep
well and old letters into the grate.

The second half of my life will be ice
breaking up on the river, rain
soaking the fields, a hand
held out, a fire,
and smoke going
upward, always up.

Joyce Sutphen

I have the best friends! Thanks to my girl T over at www.windlost.blogspot.com. Love you.

Gregg Braden on Consciousness

2010-11-20T17:59:00.000-07:00

Heart Chakra

2010-11-20T12:51:00.001-07:00

diagram from www.americanspiritualhealing.com

I've been thinking about my heart chakra this week. Probably because I've been in a state of bliss. My heart has been enjoying that hum of satisfaction that contentment brings. Almost feels like it's beating just a little outside of my chest and has this magical ability to bring the world around me into harmony.

This is such a lovely place to be. When I'm here, there is a security that everything will take care of itself! There is no worry or anxiety ~ just presence. When I'm in, it feels like nothing can upset the equilibrium. When I'm out, I can feel myself resisting, wondering how it is you get back in. As though I must go through an invisible veil. Truth is you get here through a quantum leap, you don't actually travel through space but suddenly find yourself in a new spiritual location.

The heart chakra is the mid-point. Our spiritual fulcrum. The chakras below represent survival. The chakras above embody our spiritual quests. It is the heart chakra that creates balance between our physical self (need for survival) and our gateway to living higher universal truths.

The forecourt of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi was reported to have the inscription Know Thyself carved into the stone. All understanding must begin with the heart. If the heart is not in harmony with all other aspects of life, there can be no fluidity, no forgiveness, no daring adventures to set sail upon. It is the brain that acquiesces to the heart, not the other way around. When the heart is congruently aligned with love, the brain will interpret the world from a vantage of courage and be undaunted by the ebbs and flow of life. It is in this space that one can begin to know thyself.

The Power is in the Mind

2010-11-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

Your Avatar and Spiritual Self

2010-11-12T11:05:00.001-07:00

So my question today is... Who is controlling you?

We all go about our lives doing more or less the same kind of activities ~ we all have bodily functions that require attending (eat, sleep), we all need to work (create a means to provide for ourselves), we are all looking for love and friendship. And within each of these bounds range the extremes ~ those who have everything and those who have nothing.

Lack in any of these areas is a form of dis-ease. When our bodies don't perform properly we have compromised health. When our work is disrupted or cut off, our families fall into poverty and disharmony. Without love and friendship, life loses its meaning and we become depressed. It is easy to feel like we must protect and cling on to any provisions we've been able to secure. Our mentality starts to whisper over and over that once we attain it, then we fear we will lose it.

Far too many people are living from this place of fear. Why? Because they see themselves as the only one in control. They take on personal responsibility for securing all areas of their well-being. They keep too many balls in the air, and suffocate themselves under the weight of their own self-imposed responsibility.

So how do you free yourself and live fear-less-ly?

First of all, recognize that everything in your life flows from your spiritual self. Even if you don't define yourself as a spiritual person, your ability to give and receive and interact with others in the world comes from a spiritual/universal place. How these qualities manifest in your physical life determines how your life unfolds.

Think of your physical self as your avatar. Now realize that it is yours spiritual self that drives this avatar. Your physical self is merely performing the duties of your own mind, which if you dig a little deeper you'll soon realize is a local connection to the cosmos that births us all. We have this false sense of independence.

Once we acknowledge that we are a local incarnation of the universal mind, we can accept the presence and peace of being cared for. This should give us courage. This should strengthen our spiritual self. This should open us up to knowing that everything we need is already before us. We may have to fine tune our receptive frequency to attain it, but it is there.

So, to the question... Who is controlling you? Only you can answer that. But remember, your physical self is motivated from your spiritual self. Once you start getting a handle on that, all things become possible.

Why I Remember

2010-11-11T16:54:00.004-07:00

Years ago I attended a Remembrance Day ceremony with my grandfather. He, like the other Veterans, was dressed most distinguishable. I had never seen him in uniform before.

I remember being startled by how quickly he seemed to be transformed. The man who had so often picked me up from school and took pleasure in teaching me to play cards every time my mother got out of ear shot, had somehow slid into the shadows. Overtaken by a life that taken place decades ago.

I couldn't take my eyes off of him throughout the ceremony. He stood tall and regal. Calm and still, but only on the outside. I swear I could taste the sadness on that November day, which couldn't decide if it wanted to rain or just saturate the air with heaviness.

An inkling of just how terrible those war years must have been, caught me up like a blanket you get tangled in and struggle to get out of. My heart knew that unspeakable things must have been witnessed. I could never quite take the man out of the uniform from that day on.

So on November 11, I remember.

New

2010-11-07T22:25:00.002-07:00

Come on over to SHE SAID. Read War God.

See Beyond

2010-11-05T18:32:00.004-06:00

Sometimes life is about hurting other people. Not that we do this with malice. In fact, we often defer our own happiness because we want so badly to keep the waters calm. When below the exterior, we are wrought with undercurrents and distress from putting others in front of ourselves.

Lately I've been meeting myself in mirrors and dreams. And we keep circling around how the future is going to look and feel. How it has already changed and begun. How the course is set. I'm not fearful of it. In fact, I welcome it. I smile and breath it in, knowing that it's all going to be fine. Better. Even if it takes me a bit of time to find my sea legs once I leave the shore.

There will be collateral damage. People that will endure a certain amount of bruising and battering. Whose beliefs will be tested, challenged. And part of me finds that a daunting burden, the responsibility of it. Part of me doesn't want to upset the apple cart. Would rather pretend that these philosophies can be lived with, endured, perpetuated.

But the me that is being called forward, the me that is not afraid and seeks the truth... Knows that our thorns also bear us the most beautiful of flowers. And that life without provocation stagnates and diminishes.

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” Ben Okri

Astrological Puzzle Pieces

2010-11-04T07:43:00.002-06:00

On the day I was born the sun was in Taurus so in my life I need to keep things simple and calm. The sun was bathing Saturn in the Eleventh House so I ask questions like "What do you want out of life? What are your priorities? How do you create a future according to your deepest interests and values?"

My moon was in the Third House. In evolutionary terms I'm always asking myself "Can I keep a radically open mind? Can I discern what is before my eyes?" According to Steven Forrest this makes for an imaginative, uniquely personal set of views and opinions.

The Crab or Cancer is my Ascending birth sign. The Ascendant represents your style or the mask you wear in life. The evolutionary aims of the Crab are to open the inner eye, map the topography of consciousness and express compassion. My Ascendant sign increases the role of the healer as a natural outflow of my life.

15 Authors in 15 Minutes

2010-10-29T17:21:00.001-06:00

The Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen authors (poets included) who've influenced you and that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes.

Rilke
Wayne Dyer
Deepak Chopra
Margaret Laurence
Maya Angelou
Tom Harpur
Dan Brown
Paulo Coelho
Ken Gire
Mary Oliver
Eckhart Tolle
Christopher Dewdney
Osho
Wei Hui
Malcolm Gladwell

So, who's on your list?

The Guest House

2010-10-28T16:17:00.002-06:00

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

Power

2010-10-28T13:57:00.001-06:00

Perspective is everything. Change your thoughts, change your life (Dyer). And sometimes I just need to have a mini-crisis to get myself back to where I am suppose to be. I definitely know when I wander off the path!

And for me the way out requires a re-commitment to quality quiet time, to get re-grounded and re-focused. To remember what it is that I want out of life and bring my daily actions back in line with my beliefs.

I believe in things unseen. I believe that my life is unfolding in the direction that it is meant. I believe that today is a good day and that the lessons I am here to learn in Earth School will present themselves to me as they are needed. I believe that overcoming this current dip in the road is an achievement my mind and heart needs to make. And I will persevere.

Could it be the weather?

2010-10-27T23:24:00.000-06:00

My heart has been heavy these past days. I'd like to blame it on one or two things, but these things usually come from a basket full of small things collected from corners and under beds. Before long they are spilling out into the hall and jamming up the closet doors. Someone has to pick them up!

Maybe I'm sad. A lot of things in my life are changing. A few things I WANT to change are clogging up the drains and making me frustrated.

I suppose it all just needs time. And I need to settle into a new rhythm of accepting the things I cannot change. For the time being, anyway.

Today is October 27. In eight months I suspect the waiting and the games will all be over. In terms of a lifetime, a short time to wait indeed.

Favourites

2010-10-22T09:19:00.001-06:00

It is a grey day here in the north. The air still. There are just a handful of leaves that remain on one of the poplars in the backyard. They're hanging straight down, like they are frozen in place and you'd have to pry them with some hard metal object to make them move. Everything is whitish, looks and feels like snow is about to cover us up in a blanket.

I have a couple of appointments today, so I'm home from school. And tomorrow night I am hosting a 40th birthday party for Jeremy. I know once I get going on my to-do list it will be a full day! I guess I will keep savouring this coffee for a bit longer.

There are two places I wish to share with you today: My friend George Breed's Zen Baptist blog and my favorite photographer Dave Brosha.

First, George. I've been following him online for a long time. As long as I've been blogging, so since about 2004 I guess. In the world of the internet that is an eternity! And George is always meta-morphing, although he would prefer you call it meat-morphing. He reminds me to see the world in new ways. To examine and change these superficial belief systems we hold on to. On a deep level that I don't always have words for, he refreshes me at a soul level. Thank you, George! Next year when I'm on sabbatical (sounds so decadent when in fact I'm running away for a year without pay) I may take a road trip to where he lives and stalk him in person. Be warned!

And for more soulful good stuff check out Dave Brosha. God how I love his work! I briefly got to meet him in September when I made a quick trip to Yellowknife. I am inspired by his creative eye. Especially his interpretation of the north. If you like his work and are on facebook you can "like" him and get almost daily updates of his latest photo shoots. It triggers something really good inside of me to see someone doing what they love and sharing that gift with the world!

Take care my friends. The weekend is on its way!

Thank Goodness!

2010-10-21T21:34:00.000-06:00

Today was a substantially productive day! I feel so accomplished! It was one of those days that just leaves you feeling satisfied with how it all went down. Like you won, even though there wasn't an actual game.

2010-10-21T09:32:00.000-06:00

When you define yourself, you are essentially building fences and walls. And casting in structure form who and what you think yourself to be. You create a double-sided list of what you consider permissible and what you do not. And this list gets extended to everyone you encounter.

Are you setting up relationships to fail before you even give them a chance?

Examine your building material.

Gardening

2010-10-11T09:56:00.001-06:00

Within us all there is this deep seeded need to tell the truth. To be a truth-teller.

It is not about individual white lies or black lies, but about the lies we live out in our life's drama in front of the crowd. In front of ourselves. In front of the people we love and are afraid will not love us back if they knew the truth.

We worry that they wouldn't be able to handle it if we stopped flocking with all the other sheep.

But while we are talking about truth, remember the audience. Those that surround us in our circles of family, friends and acquaintances are all playing our their drama too. And mostly they are living embodiments of their own webs of untruths. We become these tightly intertwined works of art in which it is difficult to distinguish fact from fiction. They believe us and we believe them.

And what if we are all telling stories? Making-believe to make the others happy? To make each other feel safe in fabrications and falsehoods? Which serve only to disintegrate us from the inside out.

Zen Buddhists think of the mind as a garden. Within the garden are the seeds of everything ~ all of the good and all of the bad. It is the job of the gardener to cultivate which seeds will blossom and thrive, which in turn makes up the bouquet of living.

What if you started today to tell the truth about those parts of yourself that weigh on your heart? That are reminders that you're not quite on the right path? That whisper in your ear possibilities. That there's more than this. What if today you changed your drama and the way it is playing out? What is keeping you from it?

Every time you live your purpose a little closer to the truth you free not only yourself but those around you. In giving yourself permission to be who you are, you in turn permit others. You change the composition of your garden. New things bloom.

Lead your own story. Courage builds courage and is very contagious!

Tuesday

2010-10-05T20:50:00.000-06:00

It's only Tuesday, but still, it has been a great week. And I'm torn 50/50 in this very moment between blogging and reading. I picked up a Deepak Chopra book on Saturday titled The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire and I want to delve head first with a snorkel so I don't even have to come up for air.

And so it would seem that the book just won out. Keep your chin up and your heart chakra strong. xo

Just for a Minute

2010-10-04T21:53:00.000-06:00

Refuse to be defined. Stop defining yourself. Resist listening to the way others want to tell you who you are and what you like. You're so much more than all of that.

Just try living for a while. Let it be what it's gonna be. Allow it to surprise and delight you.

Going Back in Time

2010-10-03T22:06:00.002-06:00

I was in the tub, thinking about synchodestiny... because that's what everyone thinks about while having a hot soak, right!? When a fleeting picture of us as kids reeled through my mind. I was about 7 or maybe 8 and wearing a white cotton dress. It was a beautiful summer's day and the sky was blue. We were running through a field, you pulling me along by the hand. I was laughing out loud and it was slowing us down. You looked back at me and beamed with delight. The wind seemed to be blowing just strong enough to keep my long blonde hair out of my face. We saw each other so clearly, like we spent our lives looking for the adventure in each day.

And I know it was you. Were we sharing in some secret plan? Or perhaps we had just played a prank and were running away before they found out what we had done? Whatever the case may be, I was exuberantly joyful. Finding myself, even now, please to have shared in such high spirits.

Most curiously, I can't help but wonder which of our lifetimes together this was? I know for certain it is not from this one. For we have yet to begin this time around.

Rilke

2010-09-29T17:37:00.002-06:00

I love the dark hours of my being,

My minds deepens into them.

There I can find the days of my life,

as in old letters, already lived,

and held like a legend, and understood.

...

Then the knowing comes.

Fall, Winter, Spring

2010-09-27T21:03:00.000-06:00

I'm so in love with life right now! It seems to be overflowing me in every direction. I feel full of joy and am constantly bubbling with excitement... and I can't articulate the exact reasons why! But part of me is plugged into an amazing frequency that is making my whole self vibrate with optimism and glee.

Nine months from today will be June 27, 2011. This school year will be complete at that time. NO, I'm not wishing my time away. In fact I am enjoying everyday and feeling very present in these moments. Perhaps when you know things are coming to a close, you can slow yourself down just a little bit more than your usual to enjoy them. One thing for certain is that 9 months is not a long time!

I don't know exactly where life is taking me. But I know I want to go.

2010-09-26T10:20:00.000-06:00

She said.

Tonight.

2010-09-24T23:47:00.001-06:00

The thing about drinking too much wine is that it takes a while to kick in. And by that time, it is far too late! Why must it feel like such a good and sophisticated idea in the beginning? And why oh why am I such a slow learner...?

Ease.

2010-09-23T22:34:00.001-06:00

Life is chalked full of interesting possibilities and coincidences. And it seems once you start moving in the direction of some of those possibilities, coincidences start piling up like your favorite ice cream flavors on a homemade waffle cone!

Be completely in love with your life. Recognize the parts that bring you joy and name them. Say them out loud with a grateful heart. Find within them the energy that heals you.

Don't expect it to be easy. In the thing you want the most (it's obviously not easy or you'd already have it to enjoy now) you have to open yourself up to receiving. This takes courage.

Whenever I'm in a yoga pose I find especially challenging, I try to find that spot where I can let it be easy, the place where I love the pose so much that my body cooperates and surrenders. Usually I find it in the breath, the moment I decide to just be and allow the world to swallow me up with its beauty.

Energy

2010-09-19T17:29:00.003-06:00

In the last month I can see that I've opened up to new energy currents. I've know for some time that they were there, waiting in the wing, but it was as though they waited on the other side of a divide I had no access to cross. Until recently. I'm sure that in some capacity I will be blogging about it often in the months to come. At the very least eluding to the ways I feel these new energies changing me and the possibilities that are coming into view.

For some time my 5th chakra, the throat chakra has been giving me grief. Late in the summer, just before returning back to Alberta from summer holidays, I went to see an intuitive channeler. Apart from my name and birth date (information given to her by my aunt prior to my visit), we had never met and she knew nothing of me. To my great pleasure the first thing she spoke of (within 60 seconds of my reading) was a need to open around and in the throat.

She told me that the 5th chakra is seeking to expand my voice box to grow. And as my soul essence works and blends with my human self, its focus is the throat and that I have been reflected in my language more than I have been realizing in my life up until now. As I thought about the types of writing you are prone to find here in my little blog, I decided that she was/is exactly right. My written language especially, finds expression in things here that I have not made space for in daily life. They make up my interior landscape but are yet to be seen on the outer.

Since returning I've given a great deal of contemplation to this chakra. (Among a host of other things!) And realized that part of opening up would require a new direction of truth. I'll just say that it is a truth I've feared for so long I've stopped counting the years. When I got home, it was as though it was impossible to keep up such facades any longer. In fact, maintaining the status-quo was causing me physical illness.

My beliefs in the mind/body connection are strong. And truth, has this way of finding its own platform to be heard on. I know that it is directly linked to the many coincidences and synchonicities that have been sliding in and out of my vision lately. One being these energy currents that are at work on my behalf and effortlessly moving me forward.

I feel a gratification for these present moments and the future. And it is stemming straight out of truth-telling and the wondrous joyfulness that floods your heart when you let go of fear and do the thing your higher self has been pestering you to do.

This amazing intuitive woman whispered many things about myself to me. This is just one small piece of the package she gifted me with. But what I learned most importantly from the experience is that my own intuition is sound and strong and I need to give serious credence to this aspect of me! It is incredibly freeing to think about the future with knowledge of all of the guides and energies that are available to me and working on my behalf to direct my path.

Finding

2010-09-12T12:15:00.002-06:00

I have long been in search of FREEDOM. I really like what this has to say.

She said.

2010-09-11T13:19:00.001-06:00

I've decided to open my other blog back up. :) So thanks for being patient while I was on a temporary shutdown. Also, my url has changed.... just in case you were one of the amazing people who has me bookmarked! Peace. She said.

With Thanks

2010-09-11T11:15:00.002-06:00

This week I had my grade 3 students start a Gratitude journal. And they are so adorably on board that it makes my heart sing when I watch them concentrating on the things that they are thankful for and brings them joy. To model the way I want their journals to look, I myself have been making a 5 part list on the board each day and leaving it there.

And really, it is the simple things in life that form the foundation of our happiness. I'm thankful for breakfast and clean water to drink. Hot showers. Epsom salts for my bath. A dash of cereal cream for my coffee. A full tank of gas to get me to and fro. Yoga pants. Family. Friends. Comfortable shoes... there is an infinitely long list of things for which I am grateful. And it feels good to think on these things.

Fix your thoughts on what is true,

and honorable, and right, and pure,

and lovely, and admirable.

Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Philippians 4:8

Last night, Laura and I went out for some girlfriend time. And while we were together, talking and eating fat laden food and drinking blue martinis, I was so grateful for our time even as it was happening. We've been the kind of friends that endure, that can make it through the rough patches, that randomly say "I love you" and mean it deeply.

Her mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers in the spring and has deteriorated quickly, recently having been hospitalized and now temporarily in a nursing home awaiting a permanent placement. Nancy is only 62 years old and her life has been stolen. She's trapped in times and places from long ago. And her situation makes me both profoundly sad for my dear friend and her family as well as eternally grateful for the gift of life NOW. A reminder to not squander it on things that don't matter. To not let it be consumed without regard for what I want out of life.

Someone asked me this summer what I want out of life. I think I said something like I want more life. I want to experience it fully. I want to become in a sense transparent, so open to it all that it flows through me with an endless sense of joy and opening. And I'm pretty close to that. I am feeling and experiencing it at an increasing rate. And gratitude just swings the door wider. Sets a welcome mat for everything I want.

Laura wanted to know what has changed with me. She told me that I'm different since coming back from the summer away. More like my old self. More like the me she met too many years ago to count. I smiled at her across the table. Happy that she is keenly aware of all my subtleties. And I have changed. And am so grateful for my ever evolving spirit.

Crossing Over

2010-09-06T12:07:00.002-06:00

Everything you want is on the other side of fear. Lauren Brown.

Love

2010-09-04T12:36:00.000-06:00

Love. Have you thought much about the way it is at play in your life? Or are you too busy to give it even a fleeting moment of your time?

Perhaps I have been pondering on the subject too much of late, but deep down I doubt that is possible. Because love should be the very foundation of what we are achieving in this go around the sun. The Oracle at which we bow down and give thanks. The creative force that moves us forward on every level of our being. The platform for change and acceptance and the betterment of ourselves.

One thing I am certain of is that we don't have enough words for love in the English language. Love, in my opinion, is not a one-size-fits-all word. Because it can and should mean so many different things, we need more than just one word to describe such varying relationships in our lives. It seems the best we can do right now is interchange like and lust. But still, those just don't seem good enough.

When I'm open, I'm in love. So to me, opening is a substitution word that holds equivalent power. When I'm open, I allow. So allowing is also love. Allowing is my choosing. Allowing is me opening the door of who I am. Allowing is an invitation to you from the very depths of me. And if we are in the right time and place, perhaps you and I, under a spell of magic, will be opening and allowing to each other ~ the intimate touching of souls, a deep expression of all that love is and represents.

But we still need more words. Because sometimes I will want to open as a friend and other times as a lover. My "love you's" are expressions of me, not you. You must choose and allow your own "love you's" to be heard and understood in a language that matches the feelings of your own heart. Perhaps I will love you like I love my favorite sweater, or movie, or best friend. Or maybe, I will love you in ways I have yet to even know love myself.

To live in a state of love, is to be in this moment. I cannot choose my love for tomorrow. And although I can still feel the reverberations of yesterday's love, it needs to be continually fed. So you need to learn to feed it yourself. So self-care and feel your own love when it doesn't come freely from those around you. In fact, feed it within yourself even when it does come freely from others. Find it in the gratitude you have of every lovely and beautiful thing that moves in and out of the boundary of your life. And let those boundaries expand. Allow them to move out and over different kinds of terrain. Bring your appreciation into finding the goodness of all things. See the perfection of our imperfections. Strengthen your heart. Meditate on its rhythm. Feel it beat inside your chest as you tune out the distractions of the world. Breathe yourself with the harmony of all things that bring joy and peace. This too is love. This too is love.

I just came back from the most incredible summer of experiencing many different types and capacities of love. And more profound than the experience, the observation of such. To know that as I felt, I also had knowledge of the feelings. Love is a feeling. A feeling that shakes the branches of our proverbial tree. Causes the leaves to reach heavenward and the roots to grow strong and deep in the earth. Stretches us out in all directions. And brings about such lovely fragrant ripened fruit, that our desire is to share and give to those that mingle in our orchard.

Sharing my love with you. On this day.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

2010-08-26T21:02:00.001-06:00

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

A heartfelt thanks to my friend Terri at Windlost for introducing me to Mary Oliver. Love this!

The Summer Day

2010-08-13T19:54:00.000-06:00

My amazing friend sent me this poem, said she thought of me when she read it. I think it is perfection.

The Summer Day

Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

from New and Selected Poems, 1992
Beacon Press, Boston, MA

Adventures in Food

2010-08-06T09:29:00.000-06:00

Scotland... Today my friend and I got soaked to the bone walking through a 17th century graveyard in Glasgow. We worked up enough of an appetite to get a little more adventurous with the pub food... yup... haggis and lamb meat pie.

Thinking that I'm more of a Mediterrean traveling kinda girl.

Tomorrow we are on to Inverness (northern Highlights) and in search of Nessie.

Turning Tides

2010-07-27T14:51:00.000-06:00

His voice was heavy with sarcasm. So much so that it was impossible to trust the words he said. The undertone of frustration and annoyance, that to his credit he tried to conceal, negated anything resembling the peace offering that he was currently making.

It's difficult to counter that kind of contempt, she thought. So she opted for silence. At least until she could detect that his high-wire emotions were beginning to wear thin. Knowing him, she knew his anger would not be sustained for long. Hell, he was after all attempting an apology. Not a good one, but just the same she appreciated the effort and knew it was more than she deserved. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, pleased she had not thrown fuel on his flames.

Soon the bluster of fury came to an end. The tempo changed and they both held onto the silence for a moment.

“I love you baby” she whispered into the phone. And those words seemed to ring so true in that moment it was hard to hold onto anything else.

“Me too. I love you too.” And it was impossible to imagine that anything in the world could keep them apart.

Greater than the Moon

2010-07-27T14:47:00.003-06:00

They sat in the shadow of the full moon's light. And when she looked up it was ringed by a prism halo, spilling colours that were generally difficult to see in the dark. And it shone so bright the other stars forgot to shine.

“Do you ever wonder how we made it this far?” His hand tightened around hers and he pulled her in a little closer. Knowing she was prone to asking existential questions, he hesitated to give an answer. “Yes” he finally acknowledged, as though that one word might be enough when in reality he had no idea what she was probing for.

“Really? Cause I have no clue!” And with that she laid herself out across his lap, hugging his knees to her chest. “But somehow we did it. All these years and here we are.”

He kissed her on the forehead, lingering for just an extra second to smell her hair. And he wondered, albeit to himself, how the gods had chosen him to love her. Somewhere, somehow he expected there must be a plan greater than the moon.

Running

2010-07-25T16:31:00.008-06:00

It rained for most of today but is now clearing quickly and the air is drying out in a hurry. Right at this moment the grass and trees still have that dewy wet vibrancy but the sky is hopefully blue beyond them.

Earlier, I ran for what felt like an eternity along the old train tracks, well beyond the bridge. It just felt so good I couldn't seem to stop. The air was heavy and saturated on my skin. a smile welled from deep in me and I laughed out loud at just how ridiculous it was to be all alone on this little path, sailing with the wind and sensing that not even the lotto could have enticed me to do something different. I think I might be happiest for my overwhelming wonder in all of this.

Of course you were there with me. I laughed because your ghost steps were unable to keep up with mine, but you did your best to shadow me anyway. We continued our conversation. I reassured you that it is okay to feel uncomfortable, dare I say... afraid even. Too much vulnerability takes its toll, trust me I know. You immediately postured that you're NOT afraid, with that devil may care smile and ego taller than the Trump building on 5th Ave (I've been there and it's as soaring as they say but still impossible to imagine while having lived a life so close to the ground). I had to stop for just a bit to catch my breath, because I was once again laughing at your expense, in that deeply familiar sort of way we all want to be loved and accepted.

You scowled and kissed me. As though to teach me a lesson. At least that is what I hoped you might have done...

Imagined

2010-07-19T19:59:00.002-06:00

stolen away

hidden pieces

that I sometimes wish

could not be seen

and yet could

remain

visible, transparent

unlocked with my smile

beguiling,

innocence long lost

a word

a touch

intertwined

undone

Walking

2010-07-19T19:17:00.005-06:00

One thing I do a lot of when I'm home is walk. I can't seem to get enough, even though I take the same path every time. Today I wandered through the cemetery. This is the headstone of my great-grandfather. Sadly his first wife, Laura, my grandfather's mother died of the plague when he was just a little boy. Sadly, Evelyn, I'm told was not much for cuddling. And wouldn't you know, she outlived them all!

My grandparents are at rest beneath this stone. Art was always "Art" and she was my Nanny. I still miss them both and often expect to open the kitchen door and find Art sitting on the woodshed steps, smoking his pipe.

The old train bridge which is now part of a trail system.

This is the school my mom has been principal at for the last 5 years. This was its last year in operation. No word yet as to what this building will become next.

And last but not least, our family home. It was build somewhere between 1882 and 1887. For years it was white with a red roof. My mother courageously changed it a couple of years ago to this, and I think this is what it should have been all along. The veranda is a great place to sit and ponder! Which the Mitchell's have now been doing for a little over a hundred years.

At Home

2010-07-19T05:23:00.005-06:00

I'm home. Last night I enjoyed playing around with my camera, watching the shadows and setting sunlight reflecting in shallow pools of water. There is a contentedness in me that gets recharged here. I carry it to other places, but this is the root. This is where it springs from.

A self-portrait from the rocks.

This just might be up there with the best photo I've ever been in the right place at the right time to take! Love love love the clouds on the water. As a kid I couldn't wait for the low water so I could dance on the exposed rocks, jumping from one to another as far out into the river as possible without getting my feet wet.

When I was twelve, I swore this bank was 25 feet hight (now I'm quite certain it is closer to 12 ~ LOL) and I would scale it like Mt. Everest. I want to live on permanent vacation. At least until I'm sick of it. :)

Embers

2010-07-18T20:46:00.005-06:00

Night has fallen. I traded in my laptop for pen and paper and the great outdoors. Firelight to write by interrupted only by stargazing and the gurgling joy of a river that seems to know exactly where she is going.

And I have it all to myself. Not even an inkling to share. My thoughts have become a blur and are now undecipherable. But I have fallen into some bliss and am proceeding to slather myself in it like butter on the first corn cob of the season.

The fire is consuming itself and I'm committed to staying until only embers remain. Why is it that complications seem less relevant at night? These swirling metaphors of fire making me laugh out loud. Then I get pulled a million miles high into a web of sparkling universe above me. It's mesmerizing. For a while I'm right there floating in it. Pulled in. Playing with more fire in a cosmic sea.

You Who Never Arrived

2010-07-18T09:37:00.004-06:00

An open window in a country house ~ and you almost stepped out pensive to meet me. Streets that I chanced on, you had just walked down them and vanished. And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors were still dizzy with your presence and startled gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows, perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us yesterday, spearate in the evening...

Rainer Maria Rilke

Summer

2010-07-17T20:24:00.003-06:00

It is almost midnight and I'm sitting on my parents' veranda, watching and listening to the last remnants of vehicles pass through this little town. The temperature is still above 20 and I'm loving the warmth of this summer night.

I love summer. Don't know if I ever told you that but it is my favorite of the seasons. Summer reminds me that I must slow down and enjoy life, take special care to embrace the warmth and the sun and freedom of doing what I want to do when I want to do it. My mom is a teacher so ever since I was a kid summer was always a free flow kind of time. No rush, no hurry. Just long days designed for reading books and swimming in the river. It is nice to lose yourself that way for a while.

Time

2010-07-14T08:19:00.006-06:00

I'm settled for a bit. Sitting in a comfy chair at my parents', thinking that finally there is time to sit and be still. And write. I just finished a 5k walk in the rain and feel refreshed from the cool moist air. Everything looks a little extra lush and green against the grey back drop of sky and river. I don't mind, rain and grey holds its own beauty which is just less obvious than other days.

Two weeks into summer. Going so fast. Over the next few days I want to slow down, breathe, explore some yoga and meditation. Bring life back down to zero. I've been reading a book called Freedom by Osho. And it is challenging my thoughts so I want time to absorb the lessons and ideas.

While in San Francisco last week we visited the Museum of Modern Art ~ SFMoMA. Very inspired to have been up close and personal with some of the same art that is a jumping off point for my own classroom art projects. Paul Klee (pronounced Clay) is a favorite of mine and I have to say that viewing some of his original works from only two feet away gave me a connectedness I wasn't expecting. All I could think was these are his strokes. And I was a little blown away.

Another exhibit that really resonated with me was a wall of photos done in a series of vertical groupings of three pictures. Each grouping showed the same trio of women photographed over time ~ young adult, middle age, senor ~ teardrops fell of their own accord and I was at a loss to stop them ~ we are all in time's grip, it waits for no one and forgets no one. Some photos showed lives well lived and others that just managed to get by. It reminded me that this lifetime is very short, a vapor in the cosmic ripple. YET we are all knitted together, PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE. And when my heart experiences the world, it isn't just my own, it is the shared lives of all ~ even the people I will never know, looking back at me from a photo wall of time.

We need more, not less, art in our lives. And make the time to appreciate and reflect on the people brave enough in the world to give themselves over to a life of passions ~ the painter, the poet, the sage.

And I don't want to be afraid to be those things myself. Or share with you who I am, so that we can be that connectedness too. What else is there.

To Make You Smile

2010-06-26T14:00:00.002-06:00

My ass is looking great! I wish you could all see and admire it with me. :) All the running and working out is really starting to payoff.

A Moment

2010-06-24T21:55:00.003-06:00

Feeling connected to other people has to be one of the most powerful emotions we can experience. It is not limited to how well we necessarily know another but has more to do with harnessing a moment in time in which two are intuitively attached. So much so that it creates a deep guttural gurgling and a fluttering of the heart. These moments cannot be bought. They are born out of love. And they flood both the giver and receiver with joy unspeakable.

Lessons in Circling

2010-06-19T22:32:00.004-06:00

"I have fought the good fight. I have completed the race. I have kept the faith." 2 Tim. 4:7

So, it appears that I have embraced a new kind of running. Who would have imagined that running in circles around town could make me feel so accomplished! But that is exactly how I feel. Earlier today, in the span of 1 hour and 15 minutes (including a pee break) I completed my first 10 k run. And with it, I passed over a metaphorical line in the sand that is charged with the beliefs I have about myself ~ what I think is or isn't possible. Today is a day of expanding possibilities!

In life, I think we tend to see ourselves as either running after or away from things. Let's face it, running away indicates a desire for change and freedom from perceived mistakes; a chance to start again. Running after smells of desperation. Like we can't quite get what it is we want, we just know that what we want lies beyond our reach.

When I began to entertain the idea of running just for the sake of running... I could almost not believe that such ideas were my own. In my heart I already knew that running away and after other things would serve only as a temporary distraction. But I did not yet believe in the power that running circles would have or the joy it would bring. Here are a few things I've learned from running in circles.

1. Running is hard. And to become a distance runner you must commit to practicing even when it is the last thing you want to do. So the most important thing I've rediscovered has been self-discipline. To do what I said I was going to do and not allow myself to quit. It is easy to quit. And running, in the scheme of things is a simple practice that can be done anywhere at anytime. So if I couldn't do this one thing and stick with it, what would that say about me? You know that proverb about being faithful in small things before you can be faithful in big things... this was my small thing.

2. Bodies need to move. Running is a wonderfully meditative practice. A mini personal coaching session I have with myself, a lot of "you can do this", "breathe, be in this moment, feel this pain, this breeze on your face, appreciate the blue sky above you" and most importantly giving thanks that this body works so well. I have two friends with MS and when I run I think of them often because it makes running feel like a gift and any pain a reminder of my good health fortune.

3. It is okay to just be. I have a lot of energy and sometimes I think that it serves only to confuse me about what I want out of life. Running has defused much of that energy, mellowed me out, smoothed me around the edges. I'm happier than I was a few months ago, content even.

For the time being, I'm going to keep circling. Moving with ever increasing centripetal force.

I Can't Believe I'm Really Doing It!

2010-06-18T23:42:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow is the day I've been training for. Participation in my first 10k run. Wish me luck!

June

2010-06-16T23:29:00.004-06:00

It is way past my bedtime. The sun has just set and darkness is yet to descend upon me even though it is 11:30 pm! I guess I'm not yet ready for the day to end, so beautiful and summery.

Tonight on the way to the grocery store to pick up some ice cream (to top off a friend's birthday cake) I had a few moments of overwhelming euphoria. And I couldn't keep the smile to myself. And wondered why every moment can't have that same joyful bubbles in the air at a wedding quality. But quickly decided that not every moment is intended to. If they did, we'd really lose sight of their sweetness.

I haven't been blogging... well, mostly because it is June. And everything else seems to take precedence, even though I'm constantly composing in my head. And life has a weird juxtaposition, like how I'm content again and yet I know of much sadness within a single degree of separation. A girl named Jennifer (who at 36 and 4 children later is no longer a girl at all) and grew up only 5 doors away on the up river side of my house, died last week of a heart attack. Or how the boy I was completing in love with at 15 lost his mother to cancer earlier this week. And how my loyal dog/ companion friend was biopsied for cancer yesterday.

But ALL is temporary. And it is okay to be happy and sad in the same moment. Sometimes the sadness brings a clarity that helps me appreciate what it is to BE, to express, to reach, to cry, to love and abandon myself to the conflicting parts that make me me. A work in continual progress.

I'm looking forward to blog writing freedom. Time is currently on speed-dial with days of obligation winding quickly down (and they have their own joy and reward). For now I will leave you with this quote from the book The Art of Power by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist Zen master, poet, scholar and peace activist...

Only by coming back to ourselves and purifying our minds can we experience true, lasting happiness and the kind of power that can't be corrupted. Everything is related to everything else.

Today I'll Just Enjoy the Pictures

2010-06-05T10:28:00.005-06:00

t is raining today. As a general rule we don't get a lot of rain in Alberta and I'm sure there are many farmers grateful for this. However, I personally can't wait for the sun to return. We've enjoyed some lovely days in the high 20's but have yet to hit that +30 mark. Bring it on! Just not today, I guess.

Last year Jeremy spent some time tearing apart and rebuilding the hideous deck a couple of drunk guys put together over beer breaks (not joking here) hired by our house contractor. This year I went to our local greenhouse early and am thrilled with the hanging baskets I was able to get.

No Reason I Can Think Of.

2010-06-03T21:32:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling a little low and lost tonight and not sure why. Do you ever get that way? How it just seems to permeate through your bones, a bit of melancholy that whispers to you and makes you doubt all kinds of things? It is nothing that I can quite put into words, just an uncertain feeling that won't go away but suggests that things aren't quite right in the world. My eyes have that puffy tired feel, as though I just had a good cry but without the cry.

Laura asked me tonight after school if everything was okay. "I think so" I said. "You know when you can't quite decide if what you're going through is real or imagined, that's kinda me right now." And Laura in her candid style says back to me... "You just gotta be that person who doesn't give a shit! Too bad it takes so long to get to that point. But when you do, away goes the stress!"

Life is better with a friend like that. :)

Spring

2010-05-26T09:23:00.003-06:00

I actually didn't realize that it has been so long since my last post. I'm happy to report that life is very good. My energy is at an all time high, as far as this year goes! I'm sleeping every night and have seriously increased my water intake. It is good to feel good. To feel like I can look forward to what I want from my life rather than just trying to get through each day and fall in a puddle on the floor each evening along with my clothes at the end of the bed!

Our new property is very close to closing. Jeremy and I are stoked about the possibilities and rather than feeling any weight of debt associated with it, we are both elated about future prospects. It excites me to not know what the future holds and yet to feel so alive about what it could be.

Jeremy and I have also in the last couple of months forged a new partnership. This time last year I didn't think this could happen and yet it has. Funny, last year this time I could not wait to get away on my own for the summer and this time, I'm saddened about being away from him for several weeks. I look back at December and January and February of this year and how lost my little soul seemed to be. And now, tis found! What a joyful feeling to have come through the veil.

Get the Crazy Out!

2010-05-11T21:11:00.003-06:00

Ahhh, that elusive sleep has found me at last! And I can't even begin to tell you how good it is to befriend her again. It would seem that all of the crazy ass things I've been doing over the past weeks has paid nocturnal dividends!

The exercise has been great. I'm still meeting with my personal trainer (sounds decadent every time I say it) twice a week and allow her to put the smack down on me! Good news... last night I did 3 consecutive push ups FROM MY FEET! You mighn't think that is very exciting but given that it has taken me 7 weeks to get here, it's pretty damn exciting to me. :)

On a not so inspiring note, my diet has more or less gone to shit. Maybe I'll work on that next week.

I can't help but think the best thing I've done is to reintroduce progesterone back into my system. I need to pay attention to the warning signs of being low ~ insomnia and being on a continual adrenaline rush are key indicators for me. It is like someone has calmed the waters and shot me with a tranquilizer dart. :) More welcome than you could know!!!

Giving & Receiving

2010-04-29T20:50:00.003-06:00

This week for me, has been all about asking and receiving. And as I'm sitting here on the edge of the weekend it struck me just how difficult it has been ~ even though my asking has led to much receiving.

Husband is away on a timber framing course (construction) in the southern Rockies. He's a carpentry hobbyist and this is a personal course he's been wanting to do for a long time. So on the one hand, while I'm very happy that he is pursuing his interests, it has left me at home with my feet as my only mode of transportation. Well, my feet and the kindness of friends.

I do miss him but even more I think I miss the freedom of mobility to which I am accustomed. Can't say that I have enjoyed being in a position of having to ask for and rely on other people. It has left me feeling trapped and a bit frustrated.

So that little verse that says... better to give than receive... I'm not so sure. Giving is a power position. It is easy to control what you give and who you give it to. Asking on the other hand puts you in a place of vulnerability, trusting in the universe to provide for your needs. So I will concede that it is easier to give but I've learned more this week in receiving.

It's My B-DAY!!!

2010-04-24T09:02:00.004-06:00

Today is my 38th birthday. And I feel beyond blessed!

So I'm going to take today to count and recount the many ways I am loved by others and am a contributor to the sweetness of life in and around me. :)

The day you were born is an important day. It is the day your life began, which in itself is a miracle that we take for granted. It is the start to an incredibly personal journey that will lead you in circles of varying degrees between the desert and the promised land. Because we need both to strengthen and fortify us in different ways.

On this, my 38th anniversary to myself, I'm giving thanks for ~ physical strength to move and play and ~ spiritual and mental endurance to seek answers to my problems and embrace ideas and philosophies that open my understanding of the world. These abilities bring such joy that I at times undone by them.

Right in this moment even, there are many things coming together and making lovely bows of loose ends that have been dangling. But I give thanks for both the bow and the dangler that seems to have no pairing. Because we all know what it feels like to be that end ~ to be your whole self out on that limb.

There are many people that make or break our journeying. I try my best to stay the course with those that make and run like hell from those that are the other. In this life I have a husband that loves me so thoroughly we often forget where the other ends/begins. I have a bestie whose shoulder I can cry on and laugh with at a moments notice (she lives right across the street and we've been joined at the heart since the first day we met in 1995). A travel buddy that will go anywhere at any time (so long as we stay in a 4 star or higher). And a family that helps me discover and rediscover who I am at all stages of this wonderful life.

Thank you for being a part of all the love in my heart. xo

2010-04-14T18:01:00.000-06:00

Best run yet. 5K!!!! But pretty sure my hip-flexors are in need of a couple of days rest.

Productive!

2010-04-08T16:19:00.003-06:00

Today I wrote all of my homeroom report cards and ran 4km! Tomorrow I'm going to tackle the taxes. Looking forward to clearing a few other small items off my plate. 11 weeks to summer break. WooHoo!!!!

Easter Theme

2010-04-05T16:39:00.001-06:00

Eat, eat, eat and then eat some more. Looking forward to going home and putting an end to this craziness!

Pain

2010-03-24T19:46:00.002-06:00

So not wanting to do things in half measures, I hired a personal trainer. We started yesterday. Today I can barely climb the stairs. But it feels good to hurt a little/ a LOT.

Run Run Away

2010-03-20T11:07:00.003-06:00

I'm declaring it publicly. I'm training for the May 10k. And hope to hell that this takes the edge off just a bit!!!!!

Adventure.

2010-03-19T15:31:00.003-06:00

so after that last potty mouth post (thank you, Lyn!), here is what I've concluded...

I am in need of adventure.

a thing I both love and hate about myself (in nearly equal proportions) is that I crave change. and change for me reads like adventure. probably because when I make changes they're not about the color of my socks or hair. they're more like quitting my job and moving provinces. I'm counting on you dear blog reader to be able to recognize the myriad of downsides to this!

when I was a kid my overwhelming desire was to be an acrobat that spun up and down on those long bedsheets, swinging above the crowd with grace and freedom. I later realized the unattractive part of that plan was the traveling with the circus ~ not that many of those people floss. But in my core, even as a small child I identified so strongly with what that represented ~ me doing what others thought of as the impossible, the ridiculous, the daring.

I've been at this place many times before. I've quit many job. They were all tediously boring jobs and even now I can recall the release of those endorphins! Once, in an effort to combat this demon I went back to school and had an almost-so-close-I-could-taste-him affair. But I found out that it wasn't about him.

I recognize this time, accepting myself as the grown-up I've become, now being in my 38th year... is that every time this insatiable need for speed happened... I was BORED and looking for ADVENTURE. And I didn't have the ovaries to call it what it was. This time is different. Even though I'm still bored and technically in the same place ~ figuratively speaking. I'm calling it forth. Calling it what it is. Even though for a bit it masqueraded as other things. Has taken some time to unmask myself (do I have so many I forget which ones are mine?).

But now the beast has been looked in the eye. Frankly we're having a bit of a stare-down via v the mirror. Either way, I win. Right?

Reflecting.

2010-03-17T16:45:00.005-06:00

This is the part I find ironic.

When we are young we can't wait to become adults so that we can choose to do what we want to do when we want to do it.

You become an adult. The above rarely happens.

I'm in need of some bad decision making. Just for the hell of it. Just to liven things up a bit. Being a responsible adult is highly overrated.

Today I feel like saying fuck it. A lot. So far I haven't actually fucked-it. Because I am so fucking responsible. Fuck. Truth... I have no idea what I want to fuck. But I still want to. Yes, I am such a complex being. Don't worry about me. My problems are minuscule and primarily self-created.

Question

2010-03-10T08:21:00.001-07:00

Is there any opponent more dangerous than our own ego?

Mine apparently wants to battle to the death.

In my element...

Home

Behaving Badly

More Light, Less Shadows

In Celebration

Another Day for Happiness

Can a Good Down Dog Save Your Life?

The Cause of Unwanted Things

Declarations (of sorts)

creative

100 Words

no ordinary day

Always A Woman

emerging

Ingrid Michaelson - Everybody

I Won't Let Myself Get in the Way

Opening to Grace

Aspiring

Sad

And again.

Opening the Heart Chakra

Quantum Leaps

Go Boldly

Thought to Action

In Memory 1997 - 2011

Teaching

Think

Equal and Opposite Force

The World Through New Eyes

Freelancing

Innate Knowledge

Conjunctions

Twenty-Eleven

Passengers and Drivers

Life is Good

Crossroads

Crossroads

Gregg Braden on Consciousness

Heart Chakra

The Power is in the Mind

Your Avatar and Spiritual Self

Why I Remember

New

See Beyond

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” Ben Okri

Astrological Puzzle Pieces

15 Authors in 15 Minutes

The Guest House

Power

Could it be the weather?

Favourites

Thank Goodness!

Gardening

Tuesday

Just for a Minute

Going Back in Time

Rilke

Fall, Winter, Spring

Tonight.

Ease.

Energy

Finding

She said.

With Thanks

Crossing Over

Love

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

The Summer Day

My amazing friend sent me this poem, said she thought of me when she read it. I think it is perfection.

The Summer Day

Mary Oliver

Adventures in Food

Turning Tides

Greater than the Moon

Running

Imagined

Walking

At Home

Embers

You Who Never Arrived